


We'll Be Fine

by taekoooook



Series: Love, I'll stay with you [2]
Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: 34 times apparently, Additional Warnings Apply, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Violence, Mentions of sexual violence, Sad Im Jaebum | JB, Sad Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Soft Im Jaebum | JB, Soft Park Jinyoung (GOT7), anyway uhhhhhm, i don't know how many times i typed the word 'love', i'm just being on the safe side here it's not very graphic, mentions of sexual harrassment, oh boy, they're so in love alright, yes all of that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:56:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26240749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taekoooook/pseuds/taekoooook
Summary: It's been three months since Jinyoung returned, safe and sound, to their apartment. There's only a slight problem.Jinyoung can’t take it anymore.The longest time he’s spent sleeping in the same bed as Jaebeom and not had sex with him was that time Jaebeom was late to pick him up from work because he fell asleep and Jinyoung had to walk home all 30 minutes to their apartment in heavy rain and wouldn’t have sex with his regretful boyfriend for approximately one week.It’s been three months.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: Love, I'll stay with you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904179
Comments: 1
Kudos: 79





	We'll Be Fine

**Author's Note:**

> Alright. I have another part in mind before this one, the really dark and emotional one, but I found that this one came much easier to me and so this is the next part I'm posting.
> 
> WARNING for mentions of sexual harassment/violence and traumatic past events.
> 
> I hope this won't make you cry as hard as it made me.
> 
> Enjoy! x

When three months have passed, Jinyoung can’t take it anymore.

He’s definitely not recovered, he’s nowhere _near_ fine, he doubts he’ll ever be the same Jinyoung that walked out of their door almost two years ago and lives with the regret of _that_ decision to this day.

But.

It’s been three months.

And the longest time he’s spent sleeping in the same bed as Jaebeom and _not_ had sex with him was that time Jaebeom was late to pick him up from work because he fell asleep and Jinyoung had to walk home all 30 minutes to their apartment in heavy rain and wouldn’t have sex with his regretful boyfriend for approximately one week.

The longest time that has ever passed between two occasions of love-making was when Jaebeom went to America for work and they didn’t see each other for three weeks. Lots of phone sex and pixelated video calls and dirty texts later, and the next time Jaebeom got the same opportunity he took his boyfriend with him.

So.

Jinyoung is not sure if he’s ready, he very much doubts that he won’t feel any doubts when the time comes, and he is hesitant on several aspects. He knows this, can’t afford to try and fool himself on this matter. He also thinks that might be an indication that things could actually go well.

Groaning loudly at his dilemma - the one in his mind _and_ the one working it’s way up in his sweats - Jinyoung rolls onto his stomach, almost takes up their entire bed, and promptly whines into the pillow. Why couldn’t the universe speed up his mental recovery and ease his sufferings just a little, after all this time? Couldn’t it at least _try_ to match his well-being with his libido for some resemblance of comfort in Jinyoung’s life?

After kicking his legs a couple of times for good measure, Jinyoung once again slumps into the mattress and lets out a deep sigh. Then another. By the third one, Jaebeom’s calling for him from the kitchen.

“Hey, ‘Nyoung-ah, what are you even doing in there?”

Jinyoung whines pitifully into the pillow once more, feeling incredibly sorry for himself. He just wants to get off, real good, with the man he loves, without any dark clouds hanging over him and threatening to ruin even this part of his life. This untainted, beautiful, lovely part of his - and Jaebeom’s - life that used to make him feel things nothing else ever did. Jinyoung shuffles around again, this time out of nerves, because he _really doesn’t want to ruin that_ if he’s actually not ready yet because of something as dumb as his morning wood.

Stupid universe.

“Jinyoung-ah?” Jaebeom’s voice comes again, but in the doorway this time. As Jinyoung turns his head to find his boyfriend in old grey sweats, white t-shirt sliding off one shoulder, messy black hair and spatula in hand, he feels another surge of warmth in his lower stomach and doesn’t stop the groan that tears its way out of his mouth. _Fuck, the Lord is testing him._ Jinyoung drops his head back into the pillow.

“You okay, there?” Jaebeom asks, and Jinyoung just _knows_ that he’s randomly waving the spatula in Jinyoung’s direction. “You’re making a lot of noise for someone who actually got _out_ of making breakfast.”

Jinyoung groans once more, mind returning to the reason for his noises. If he presses his hips a bit harder into the covers, surely no one will notice.

“Alright, guess I’ll just return to my work then.”

“Wait!” Jinyoung yells before he even takes time to consider the situation. “Wait, don’t go!”

Jaebeom leans against the doorway, spatula accusingly aimed at Jinyoung’s ruffled appearance still in bed. He raises his eyebrows, and _fuck, that hard look on his face and the slightly jutted chin_ , it just _does things_ to Jinyoung, he’s just a man, what the _fuck_.

As Jaebeom stands there, waiting for an explanation for his boyfriend’s morning antics, Jinyoung debates what to do. He’s not sure if he’s actually good to have sex yet, of any kind, and he’s also not sure if _Jaebeom_ is, because he realizes that this is a big fucking deal. He also doesn’t want to lie.

“I’m horny”, he blurts out. Then covers his face with his hands as he feels his cheeks heating up and immediately feels like a teenager again. “I’m sorry. Sorry, that was weird. Ignore that. Sorry. Ignore me.”

The silence stretches over them as Jaebeom stays quiet, and Jinyoung actually thinks he’s about to cry out of mortification because damn if that wasn’t among the worst things he’s ever said in Jaebeom’s proximity, and he has said _a lot_ of dumb things in his days. The regret continues to fill him and the silence lingers on, and when Jinyoung has started to consider getting under the covers and never ever leave them again, he feels the bed dip as Jaebeom settles down next to him. Then he feels warm hands around his wrists and suddenly Jaebeom’s soft gaze is directly in front of him.

“You’re really cute, you know that?” Jaebeom asks with hints of amusement. Jinyoung is positive his ears are bright red at this point. “I haven’t seen you this embarrassed since you spilt ice cream on me when I asked you out that first time.”

Jinyoung squeezes his eyes shut and wishes the earth would swallow him whole and end his suffering.

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom says, gentle as ever as Jinyoung feels the air between them change right before Jaebeom’s lips are softly pressed against his own. And, _oh,_ _this_. This is something Jinyoung has slowly gotten used to again. Before he can take his time to fully enjoy it though, Jaebeom ends the kiss and backs up slightly so they can look at each other again. Jinyoung pouts. Jaebeom smiles enough to turn his eyes into crescents.

“Talk to me,” he says, and, really. With the amount of trust and love between them at this point Jinyoung feels (most of) the embarrassment drain out of him, and he laces their fingers together before taking a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

“Well, I, uh…” Jinyoung nervously starts, and refuses to look anywhere but the place where their hands are touching. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while, and I don’t know if you have too, I mean, probably, right? The only time I can think of when we didn’t, uh… _do anything_ was that time you went to America for a couple of weeks, and well… You remember how we handled that, I’m sure. And this is…”

He takes a shaky breath before continuing, as Jaebeom squeezes his hands.

“This is obviously very different from that, and I know that we’ve talked about it, and I remember what you said, and, God, Jaebeom, I--”

Jinyoung finds himself choking, a bit, as he powers through everything he wants to say, because that part and Jaebeom’s words does make him emotional still. Jinyoung knows that their relationship contained many beautiful parts, but he also knows that sex was probably the one thing that intertwined the two of them even tighter when moving from close friends to intimate lovers, and that it had always been a constant in their life together. And that’s what makes Jaebeom’s words from their first conversation about this so much more meaningful.

‘If you never want to have any kind of sex ever again, Jinyoung, then there won’t be any kind of sex in this house. I promise. But I also promise that I will still love you.’

“I love you so, _so much_ for it”, Jinyoung whispers, face twisted with emotion, but if he looks at Jaebeom now he will probably cry again and that is not the direction Jinyoung wants to go. “And it… I can’t explain to you how much that means to me, hyung, because I know that you actually mean it. And maybe that’s the way we’ll end up, I’m not actually sure, but it’s not what I _want_.

“I _want_ to be with you again”, Jinyoung states, more confident now, because _fuck,_ he wants to give Jaebeom everything. And Jinyoung wants to have everything for himself, too, because he doesn’t want to go around feeling broken or damaged for the rest of his life. He is _not_ , and he will not give up this part of their relationship without even trying to fight for it. “I do, Jaebeom, I really do. I love you so much and I love being with you in every way there is, and I really don’t know if I’m fine or if _you’re_ fine with it and I can’t promise that I won’t cry because I probably will, and-- Wait, that probably scares you, I’m sorry, I--”

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom interrupts, and Jinyoung quiets down despite Jaebeom only whispering his name. “I love you. I know that you love me. Please don’t feel like you have to prove it to me, because you absolutely don’t. Okay? I love you. I’d do whatever you ask me to.”

“Even this?” Jinyoung murmurs, the conversation feeling so heavy on his shoulders that he leans forward to rest his weight on Jaebeom’s chest, who quickly wraps both arms around him to tug him closer.

“Of course”, Jaebeom promises into his hair. “If you want to try something - _anything_ \- then I want to as well. And if you change your mind and you don’t want to anymore, you tell me and we’ll stop and cuddle or go have that breakfast or I’ll give you some space or whatever you might want. And then we’ll be fine, yeah?”

“Yeah”, Jinyoung replies, emotions stacked upon each other in his throat. “We’ll stop and then we’ll be fine. I’ll be fine.”

Jaebeom’s arms tighten slightly around him and Jinyoung relaxes the same amount into the embrace. “So do you want to tell me what you’ve been thinking about?”

Jinyoung blanches. “What?”

Jaebeom hums as his fingers start drawing patterns in an area close to Jinyoung’s waist. Combined with Jaebeom’s breath now on his neck, the sensation has Jinyoung shivering.

“You said you’ve been thinking about it for a while, right? Well, what have you been thinking?”

“U-uhm…”, Jinyoung stutters, feelings distracted by the attacking fingers, breaths and images his mind is now conjuring up of what exactly he has been wanting to do with Jaebeom these last few weeks. “Well, I, uhm… I don’t think I want to… Uh, go all the way yet, I guess.”

Jaebeom’s mouth finds his forehead and he presses soft lips against Jinyoung’s temple for seconds, before Jinyoung feels Jaebeom’s smile. He waits for a reply, but Jaebeom only hums, lips still against his skin.

“And I don’t, uh…” Jinyoung quiets down, mind coming up with all sorts of memories as he thinks of what different sexual acts entail, and while he tries to stick to nice, pleasant, truly wonderful memories of doing them with Jaebeom, his mind won’t fully cooperate with him. “I, uh, I’m…”

Jaebeom loosens his embrace to lean back and fixes Jinyoung’s eyes with his own. As he’s carefully raising his hand to touch Jinyoung’s face, Jinyoung feels like he’s getting the messages Jaebeom is trying to convey. The most important one being that they’ll stop right now if that’s what Jinyoung wants.

“God”, Jinyoung mutters, suddenly frustrated at the limitations he feels, the blocks in the road he can’t move and the locks on the door that he can’t find the right keys to. He doesn’t want to be like this, and he doesn’t want to hurt Jaebeom’s feelings, and he wants them both to be happy again. _So much_. “Alright. Give me a moment.”

“Of course”, Jaebeom replies, tilting his head patiently and giving him a soft smile.

Jinyoung feels his heart grow a bit lighter. He reaches out to touch Jaebeom’s face, and can’t resist the smile that tug at his lips when Jaebeom turns his face into Jinyoung’s hand to kiss his palm.

“You know what?” Jinyoung suddenly says, the events of the very same morning popping into his head. “You should just seduce me. You’re good at that.”

Jaebeom’s eyes almost pop out of their sockets as he chokes on a sudden burst of laughter. “ _Excuse me?_ ”

“You heard me”, Jinyoung quickly replies. “You were strutting around here earlier all sexy and teasing, those pants and your shirt and _stupid arms_ , not to mention the fucking spatula you were waving around while pretending to make me breakfast--”

“ _Excuuuuuse you!_ ” Jaebeom interrupts loudly, mouth still open in laughter as he stares at Jinyoung before reaching down to the floor and grabbing said utensil. “ _Pretending to make you breakfast_? I’ll have you know the whole apartment would be burnt to a crisp if I didn’t turn the stove off before checking on you! Your breakfast is very much real and lying on a fucking plate on the kitchen table, and if you don’t believe me, Park Jinyoung, I swear, I’ll--”

Jinyoung’s shriek of laughter cuts him off as Jinyoung laughs so hard he tips over into Jaebeom’s lap where his back gets promptly hit - repeatedly - with what must be the spatula. He can’t stop laughing.

“You little shit!”

“Oh my god, hyung--”

“Park Jinyoung!”

More laughter, and Jinyoung can clearly hear Jaebeom chuckle along with him now.

“Jinyoung-ah”, Jaebeom tells him a few minutes later when they quiet down, fingers finding their way in Jinyoung’s hair to scratch at his scalp in that way Jaebeom knows he likes. “I promise I have no problem being like this with you for the rest of our lives. Please don’t doubt me on that. Every single second with you is more than I thought I could have.”

Jinyoung chokes up a little, but he really, _really_ doesn’t want to cry.

“You’re the most precious thing in the world to me, ‘Nyoung-ah”, Jaebeom murmurs, sounding pretty emotional himself. “I’ll never hurt you. I don’t think I even could.”

In a desperate attempt to _stop himself from crying, dammit_ , Jinyoung raises himself up to firmly press his lips to Jaebeom's, planting his hips in his lap, which in itself is a more compromising position than they have been in in literal years. Jinyoung’s heart pounds wildly against his ribs.

He kisses Jaebeom with everything he has, and then again, and again, and again, until he has to break away because he’s getting a bit light-headed, but only far enough to bite down on Jaebeom’s bottom lip and drag it with him a bit, making Jaebeom let out a quiet moan. The sound has Jinyoung’s heated blood drop down below his stomach, and _God_ , _was it really this hot in here just now_?

“Beom-ah”, he half-whispers, half-moans, “ _hyuuuung_ ”.

“Tell me, Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom pants back, eyes darting between Jinyoung’s to find out what he wants, what’s alright, what Jinyoung wants from him. “I’ll do anything. I love you.”

Jinyoung surges forward to kiss him again, _hard_. He thinks Jaebeom might get more of his teeth than plush lips, but Jinyoung really can’t bring himself to care when everything around him is his Jaebeom and Jinyoung is sitting on top of him and Jaebeom’s wonderful wonderful hands are on his waist and his lips are against his skin, and, _oh_ , kissing along his jaw. Jinyoung pants as he tries to think.

“You…” he says, before cutting himself off with a moan as Jaebeom nibbles at his earlobe. “ _Fuck_ , hyung.”

“Yes?” Jaebeom breathes against his ear, lips moving so fast Jinyoung can’t keep up.

“Will you…? Oh, God, hyung, can… Can you…?”

“ _Yes_ ”, Jaebeom replies before Jinyoung even gets the question out, and fuck if that doesn’t make Jinyoung shiver with anticipation. “Yes, Jinyoung-ah, I can and I will, just tell me. Anything, baby.”

Jinyoung _whines_. Then he grabs at Jaebeom’s hair, pulls a little, get the response he wishes for and decides _fuck it_ before sitting down properly over Jaebeom’s hips. Jaebeom chokes and looks at Jinyoung with dark eyes that say _please_ and _i’ll do anything for you_ and _you’re the most beautiful thing in this entire goddamn world_.

“Hyung, will you eat me out?”

Jaebeom’s face slackens in shock. Jinyoung isn’t sure if it’s because he managed to get a full sentence out or if it’s because of the request itself. It isn’t one Jinyoung made very often even _before_ , even though it never failed to rile him up. Not to mention how it always managed to rile _Jaebeom_ up.

“Fuck, are you serious?”

“Yes”, Jinyoung replies, because he is. For now, at least.

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom says, and Jinyoung can see the effort it takes him to keep his voice steady. He can’t really blame his boyfriend for going a little bit crazy after not having sex for two years. With anyone else, Jinyoung knows, ‘a little bit crazy’ would have meant a definite ‘no’ to him on even kissing. But not with Jaebeom, because Jinyoung knows that he would literally walk through hell if Jinyoung asked him to. Jaebeom loosening up has never been a concern to Jinyoung. “Please don’t do this for my sake.”

Jinyoung is a bit stunned by the twist of Jaebeom’s eyebrows and the look in his eyes once they meet Jinyoung’s again. “What?”

“I just…”, Jaebeom starts before taking a steadying breath and burying his fingers deeper into the indents of Jinyoung’s waist, almost as if to ground himself by holding onto him. “I don’t want you to do anything because you think _I_ need it, or want it, or because you _should_ or something stupid like that. We’re not doing this so _you_ can please _me_. Absolutely not. Promise me that’s not what you’re thinking or I’m calling it right now.”

Jinyoung just stares at him.

“Jinyoungie, talk to me”, Jaebeom pleads. “Please.”

“I promise that’s not it”, he replies.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“No, seriously, Jinyoungie, are you _sure_?”

“ _Yes_!” Jinyoung finally exclaims, staring at Jaebeom incredulously. “I asked because no one else has ever done that but you, and I thought that would be a good place to start. The fact that you really enjoy it is definitely a bonus, but I think it’s a good first step because it’s something I’ve only shared with you and there’s nothing but pleasure in it for me and it’s not as uncomfortable as other things often are in _some way_ at least, and because it feels really fucking good and your tongue is god-sent if I remember correctly and it’s been _two fucking years_ and I need you to make me come real fucking good, Im Jaebeom, is that enough? Do you believe me?”

Jaebeom stares at him, open-mouthed, for a good five seconds.

“Jinyoungie”, he says finally. “You really do have a way with words.”

“I--” Jinyoung blabbers, cheeks turning pink once again after his outburst, but is quickly quieted by Jaebeom’s lips on his once more. “Alright, then.”

Jaebeom giggles - _giggles_ \- against his mouth and Jinyoung briefly thinks he’s going to die from happiness. He’s doing it. _It’s really happening_.

“How do you want me, love?”

“Like this”, Jinyoung murmurs, a bit shy now that they’re actually _talking_ about it. “On my back so I can see you.”

“‘Course, baby”, Jaebeom replies, pressing a kiss to his cheek that seems quite out there considering what they’re discussing. “Whatever you want.”

“You seem quite eager”, Jinyoung remarks in an attempt to hide his sudden nervousness regarding what’s about to happen. It has been almost two years since Jaebeom saw him naked, after all.

Jaebeom laughs once, heartily, before taking Jinyoung’s face in his hands. “I am.”

It gets a laugh out of Jinyoung as well.

“How do you want to do this, then?” Jaebeom asks, nothing but love in his eyes. “Your clothes, my clothes? Where’s okay to touch? Where isn’t?”

“Uhm…”, Jinyoung replies once again, because he really hadn’t thought _that_ far ahead. “Let me think for a second.”

Jaebeom just smiles and rests his head on Jinyoung’s shoulder, lips against his skin but not fully kissing as Jinyoung considers. He’s not really sure about any of the replies to Jaebeom’s questions, to be completely honest. He’s not sure where the line goes. He’s not really sure there _is_ a line either.

“Can we take it bit by bit?” he asks instead, biting his lip.

“What do you mean?”

“Just that I, well, I’m not…”, Jinyoung takes a breath. “I’m not sure. About any of it. I’m not sure what the rules are or if there even needs to be rules. I don’t know. Can we just see how it goes?”

Jaebeom raises his head again so they can look into each other’s eyes. Apparently what he finds there satisfies him enough. “Okay.”

“Really?” Jinyoung asks, surprised that Jaebeom seems fine with his uncertainties.

“Yes”, Jaebeom smiles. “You don’t have all the answers yet, I get it. This is a test run.”

Jinyoung snorts, but it does the trick. He’s smiling again, too.

“‘It’s a test run’, he says. Great, now take your shirt off.”

“Me?” Jaebeom asks innocently, eyebrows shooting up.

“Yes, you”, Jinyoung replies impatiently. “Please.”

“All you had to do was ask”, Jaebeom purrs back before leaning away, grabbing the hem of his t-shirt and pulling it over his head. Jinyoung chokes on his spit when he’s met with the broad expanse of Jaebeom’s torso. Jaebeom smiles, satisfied. “Good?”

Jinyoung nods, eyes unblinkingly fixed on the dips and lines of Jaebeom’s stomach. He eventually drags his gaze - _slowly_ \- over his pecs, collarbones, and shoulders before finding himself unable to keep the groan in; “ _God_.”

Jaebeom snickers, leaning down to kiss Jinyoung again, who wastes no time in wrapping his arms around his boyfriend to feel his warm skin and pull him just a bit closer.

“I love you, you know that?” Jaebeom whispers against his lips among open-mouthed kisses. Something warm blooms in Jinyoung’s chest.

“Yes”, he replies.

“Good.” Jaebeom kisses him one last time before sitting back on his thighs. “What’s next? Is anything else coming off?”

“I guess, uhm… My clothes?”

Jaebeom gives him a small smile. “Your clothes? Which ones?”

“My pants”, Jinyoung says through gritted teeth as he thinks he’s about to _die_ from embarrassment. _Again_. “And underwear.”

“Shirt stays on?” Jaebeom asks, voice sounding as neutral as Jinyoung ever heard it. As if it truly does not matter to him. It makes a tiny seed of doubt make itself known in Jinyoung’s belly. What if Jaebeom really doesn’t find him as attractive anymore?

What if Jinyoung isn’t how Jaebeom remembers him? Has probably imagined him for the last two years? What if Jinyoung can’t do this? What if this idea of his actually makes things worse? What if Jinyoung ruins what they have right now? What if Jaebeom won’t _want him anymore_?

Jinyoung hasn’t noticed Jaebeom putting his shirt back on, and he hasn’t noticed the change in his breathing, but he does notice how he trembles when Jaebeom sweeps him into his arms again. _Oh_ , he thinks.

Jaebeom doesn’t say anything and Jinyoung wonders if he truly did ruin it. He prays not.

“Did I ruin it?” he has to ask, voice small and hating how scared he sounds. “I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Jinyoung-ah”, Jaebeom exhales into his hair again, where his lips seem to have found a home. “Never apologize for anything that happens in this bedroom. Please. It breaks my heart.”

“I’m sorry”, Jinyoung whispers before he can stop himself, because he never meant to hurt or scare his boyfriend. “I got stuck in my head.”

“And that’s alright”, Jaebeom replies, arms still holding tight. “I’m not mad at you. I’m not disappointed. I’m just worried, Jinyoungie, and I want to help however I can. However you want me to. And it’s easier if you tell me what’s going on in your head, but you don’t _have to_.”

“I know that”, Jinyoung promises. “I do, I know you can’t read my mind. It’s just scary to say some things out loud.”

Jaebeom squeezes him. Jinyoung takes a deep breath.

“To tell you the truth, I… Have a lot of doubts. About myself. And you say all the right things and you also do all the right things, I promise. It’s about me and my own head.

“I can’t help but feel like I’ve been… damaged”, Jinyoung says after another breath, anxiety high in his chest. “Like I’m not the person I used to be, the one that you loved and knew and had hot, dirty sex with, like I’m... 

“Well, like I’m not good enough for you. Anymore.”

Jaebeom has gone completely still, Jinyoung notices as he holds his breath, and hurries to explain a bit more. “But like I said, hyung, it’s not anything that _you_ have caused, or even played a part in. It’s all me and how different I feel from two years ago, in this way more than any other. And like so many other things that you’ve helped me with, this might go away, too. I hope so. But it takes time, right? That’s what they say. And that’s why I promise I’m not rushing into this and that I _have_ been thinking about it. A lot. But I get if you want to stop or need some time to think after hearing all this, it’s a lot, I know, I--”

“Jinyoung.”

“Yes?” he asks, hardly moving a muscle.

“Just…” Jaebeom takes a shaky breath. “Just let me hold you. Please.”

“Of course, hyung”, Jinyoung immediately replies, unsure of what is going through Jaebeom’s mind but also unable to scan his eyes for it in the position they’re in.

After a few minutes of silence he has to ask.

“Hyung, what are you thinking? Please. I don’t know how to feel.”

Jaebeom squeezes him tighter again and exhales. Jinyoung snuggles even closer in an attempt to comfort him.

“I hate that this happened to you so damn much, Jinyoungie”, he finally says, sounding more defeated than anything. This is far from the first time they’ve had this conversation. “I wish so fucking bad that I could go back in time and undo it. Not because I think you’re ‘ruined’ or ‘damaged’, as you put it. Because _you_ feel like you are. When you are anything but. Jinyoung, you’re the strongest and brightest and most beautiful human being in the entire world. Inside and outside. It makes me so horribly sad that you think this way of yourself. I hardly know what to say to make it better.”

“You make it better every day, Jaebeommie”, Jinyoung whispers earnestly. “I promise.”

Jaebeom reaches down to press their lips together in another soft kiss before replying. “Thank you for saying that.”

Jinyoung thinks about what Jaebeom said earlier about being together just like this. Enjoying each other’s bodies without ever being naked, unwinding not in baths together but wrapped up in bundles, and always kissing for the sake of kissing instead of as a way to take things elsewhere. He believes Jaebeom when he said he wouldn’t have a problem with it. Jinyoung thinks he could be happy like this, too.

But he can’t help but feel like he’s _settling_ without even trying to get them where he most of all wants to.

So he kisses Jaebeom again, harder, with _purpose_. Because he has one and it fuels him as he sneaks one hand under Jaebeom’s shirt to run up and down his back, and the other lands in his hair. With a slight, barely there tug at it, he tests the waters. If Jaebeom responds the way he used to, Jinyoung is going for it.

When Jaebeom breathes the moan into Jinyoung’s own mouth, he can’t stop the smile pulling at his lips. Backing up slightly, he leaves Jaebeom with no room for doubt as he looks into the other man’s eyes and declares his wishes.

“I really want you, hyung”, Jinyoung promises. “Really. I trust you and I love you and I _want you_ , so bad. I’ve missed you.”

Upon hearing Jaebeom’s shaky exhale and glossy eyes, Jinyoung figures it’s time for another one of his old tricks. As he bites at his lower lip, he looks up at Jaebeom through thick eye-lashes and pretends he’s not terrified to ask; “Do you still want me?”

Jaebeom’s eyes widen as they flicker all around Jinyoung’s face. Jinyoung fights the urge to hide under the covers once more.

“‘ _Do I still_ \--’”, Jaebeom splutters. “ _Jinyoung._ Do you really think there’s anything in this world that could make me _not_ want you?”

Quite frankly, Jinyoung has no idea how to respond to that. He thinks his blush might speak for him, though, and chastises himself for being so scared of the alternative.

“Jinyoung-ah, I’ll literally eat you out 15 times a day if that’s what you want.”

“ _Oh, my god_!”, Jinyoung shrieks out a laugh as he covers his ears in embarrassment. “That is _not_ what I asked!”

“It’s not too late to change your mind, though.”

“Im Jaebeom!” he exclaims before swatting his boyfriend’s chest. “Why are you doing this to me?”

Jaebeom’s smile is tugging at his lips when he replies. “Because I really want to eat your ass and make up for lost time?”

“ _That’s not_ \--”, Jinyoung is certain his ears are bright red at this point. “You know what? You talk too much. Maybe you should use that mouth for something better.”

“Is that permission?” Jaebeom asks, the sudden gentleness to his voice surprising Jinyoung enough to meet his eyes again.

“Yes.”

“ _Really_?”

“Im Jaebeom, I swear to God”, Jinyoung starts again, seemingly still exasperated and slightly annoyed with his boyfriend when in reality, he’s so so grateful to Jaebeom for pulling him out of his spiraling mind time and again. “If you don’t get me out of my clothes _right now_ \--”

“Say no more”, Jaebeom interrupts, hands flying to the hem of Jinyoung’s shirt to rest his hands on the soft skin of Jinyoung’s stomach. Goosebumps break out all over Jinyoung’s upper body. “Just tell me what you want.”

“I want it _off_ ”, Jinyoung half-whines into the skin of Jaebeom’s neck where he hides his face. “Please, take it off.”

Jaebeom wastes no time in pulling the shirt over Jinyoung’s head before gently lowering him down to lay on his back again.

“Can I touch you, then?” he asks, one arm wrapped around Jinyoung’s back in a steady embrace as the other hovers somewhere to Jinyoung’s left.

“Please”, Jinyoung exhales, eyes closed and mind blissfully quiet as Jaebeom’s hands caress his bare skin. “Make me feel good.”

“I will, baby, I promise”, Jaebeom murmurs against his cheek before kissing any part of Jinyoung’s face he can reach, as his free hand slowly starts tracing patterns over the skin of Jinyoung’s stomach.

He draws a shaky breath. “Your turn.”

Jaebeom just hums against his face, soft lips never leaving his skin.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung tries again, “your shirt, come on, take it off”.

Jaebeom eventually backs off long enough to pull his shirt off for the second time. It is a little easier now that Jinyoung knows what to expect, but he’d lie if he claimed to still breathe normally when Jaebeom’s muscles came into view once more.

“See something you, like, Jinyoungie?”

It’s only when Jaebeom’s tantalizing voice is heard that Jinyoung realizes he’d been staring. _Again_. Great.

Instead of answering, he pulls Jaebeom down on top of him to slot their mouths together once more. Jinyoung distantly thinks that he can’t remember the last time anything his body did felt this good.

He also realizes that Jaebeom is not making any moves to take this further. He seems perfectly content with one thick thigh between Jinyoung’s, hands tracing the shapes of Jinyoung’s upper body, and lips completely sealed to Jinyoung’s full ones. Jinyoung appreciates it because he hasn’t felt _this much_ and _this good_ in what feels like centuries.

“Hyung”, he whispers against soft lips, “hyung?”

Jaebeoms hums in response and catches Jinyoung’s lower lip between his teeth only to gently bite down on it.

“Hyung, I think I’m ready”, Jinyoung says, a bit louder this time, because he thinks he is. He’s not 100% relaxed, but he’s probably around 75% and honestly, Jinyoung thinks that’s as good as it’s gonna get.

Jaebeom pauses his motions to cradle Jinyoung’s face with his fingers. “You still want to?”

“Yes”, Jinyoung replies, because he does.

“Sweats then?” Jaebeom asks, and Jinyoung doesn’t know if the softness is greater in the look in Jaebeom’s eyes or in the sound of his voice.

He reaches out for another kiss. “All of it.”

“Whatever you want, Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom swears against his lips. “Whatever you want.”

Jinyoung set his mind long ago on not lying to himself about anything that’s happening because he doesn’t want to be unfair to either Jaebeom or himself. That’s why he won’t pretend like his body doesn’t tense up the second Jaebeom’s hands fly across his stomach to tease at the edge of his pants, or that the breath in his throat doesn’t hitch the slightest bit as he reflexively squeezes his eyes shut.

Jaebeom doesn’t stop touching him, but his hands find the skin of Jinyoung’s chest instead and, _oh_ , his thumb is stroking the part of Jinyoung’s ribs that protects his heart, and Jinyoung… 

He’s not gonna pretend like he doesn’t relax again, either, or that he doesn’t admonish himself for not trying hard enough. This is _Jaebeom_ , and Jinyoung _knows him_. And so he takes a deep breath before reaching down himself and pulling his sweats and underwear off in just one motion, kicking them all the way off with his legs. Jinyoung’s hands find Jaebeom’s and he squeezes his eyes shut for the nth time as he waits.

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom murmurs and laces their fingers together. He moved away when Jinyoung started kicking his legs and has not returned to his previous position yet. “Talk to me, baby. What’s going through your head?”

“U-uh…”, Jinyoung stammers, focusing on the way Jaebeom’s rings feel against his knuckles and _not_ on the slight cold he feels ghosting along his - completely naked - skin. Which is also very bared for Jaebeom to see. Hence his still closed eyes. “Well…”

Jaebeom lifts one of their intertwined hands to softly kiss all over Jinyoung’s slightly bigger one as he waits.

“I feel weird”, Jinyoung finally confesses. “I really want this, but at the same time it freaks me out. It’s difficult. And I do not feel sexy _at all_.”

“Good thing this isn’t about anyone but you, then”, Jaebeom replies, soft smile half-hidden behind their joined knuckles. “And that it doesn’t matter in the slightest how you look. Truth be told, though, we aren’t really at the sexiest stage yet.”

Jinyoung’s _hmpfh_ is just a bit louder than he intended. Jaebeom chuckles in reply. His hands are as warm as ever, Jinyoung thinks, and it only makes sense that the rest of him would be, too, right? It’s Jinyoung’s excuse, anyway, as he lets go of Jaebeom’s hands to pull him down and fit them together again, the only thing separating them now being Jaebeom’s sweatpants. Jinyoung shivers when Jaebeom’s strong - _and warm_ \- arms come down on either side of him and their chests press together.

This, Jinyoung thinks, feels right. Maybe even easy.

“Hmm?” Jaebeom hums and nuzzles at his nose, seemingly content to take this at whatever pace Jinyoung sets.

“I haven’t changed my mind”, Jinyoung says, maybe more for his own benefit than his boyfriend’s. “I’m anxious, but not… I still want to. Just…”

“Just slowly?” Jaebeom softly inquires above him. Jinyoung nods and turns his face into Jaebeom’s shoulder.

It’s harder than he thought it would be to arrange the thoughts in his head and connect them to his emotions. He feels _a lot_ of things, definitely not all pleasant, but there _are_ pleasant sensations, too. So he tries to focus on them. On Jaebeom, specifically, who seems to make everything in Jinyoung’s life better.

“I need you to ground me”, he says suddenly, in the same moment he realizes it. “It feels a bit like… well, like how it used to when we did more overwhelming stuff. Rougher, I guess.”

“Like edging-rough?” Jaebeom asks, presumably wanting to clarify what it is Jinyoung needs from him. “Or dirty talk-rough? Or do you mean in general?”

Jinyoung takes a moment to think about it. The nagging feeling of uncertainty and insecurity in the back of his head, mixed with the need he’s currently experiencing all through his body isn’t completely unlike the way he would get in his clingiest, neediest, absolutely gone with lust-moments he had previously shared with Jaebeom. The feeling of being so utterly small and dependent on someone else to help him through the release his strung tight-body so desperately needs isn’t one that’s entirely new to him, after all, when he really thinks about it.

“In the generally needy way”, he finally replies, returning his gaze to Jaebeom’s patient one, deciding on the best way to explain what it is he needs.

“Firm hands, but not too hard”, Jinyoung says as he drags his hands down Jaebeom’s sides and finally stop at his waist, showing which amount of force is enough. He absolutely does not want to be grabbed too hard, but he can’t take hesitating touches or a sudden tickle or he'll crawl out of his skin. “No stroking, just hold me so I know you’re there”

Jaebeom kisses him once before nodding.

“Only sweet words”, Jinyoung points out, probably unnecessary, but just in case. A reminder. He tries not to blush as he exemplifies. “Praise. My name preferably. Any variation. Or ‘baby’”.

Jaebeom presses his lips to Jinyoung’s forehead for a long moment.

“I’m not sure where exactly is okay”, he hesitates to continue, but powers through. He actually feels his blood pumping a bit faster now in anticipation of what they are planning on doing. “I’ll tell you when I know. Is that okay?”

“Yes”, Jaebeom replies, dark eyes hardly even blinking anymore as he looks into Jinyoung’s. “I trust you, Jinyoungie.”

The words die on Jinyoung’s lips as he forgets whatever else he was about to say.

“Okay”, he finally settles on, deciding that they’ve done enough staring. “Will you hold my hand?”

Jaebeom’s lips part as he softly laughs, a sparkle in his eye that Jinyoung has seen so much of lately. He squeezes his hands that are still on Jaebeom’s waist. “Like you even had to ask.”

Jinyoung smiles nervously. Here they go.

“Just one more thing”, Jaebeom suddenly insists, and Jinyoung’s eyebrows raise. Did he forget anything?

“Yeah, ‘course. What is it?”, he asks.

“I love you”, Jaebeom says, for what feels like the millionth time in about two hours, but Jinyoung feels butterflies in his stomach for the first time at this one. “And don’t you forget it.”

“I won’t”, Jinyoung smiles up at him.

It satisfies Jaebeom, apparently, because now they’re kissing again. And Jinyoung is not sure if it’s because he _knows_ it’s supposed to lead somewhere else, but he swears he can feel a difference in the way they kiss now, when it feels like most of the talking is done with. There’s no hurry, and Jaebeom still treats him like a treasure, and Jinyoung likes the pace they set.

But there’s an urgency somewhere deep in his bones and he wants to _do this_ , to get this part over with it and feel normal again, and he wants Jaebeom _so much_ and he always have and, God, despite everything that’s happened Jinyoung feels pretty damn lucky to be in this moment right now.

“Go on”, he encourages Jaebeom when they part to breathe. “I’m good. I want this.”

Jaebeom is breathless, panting a little, and nods wordlessly before pressing one more hard kiss to Jinyoung’s lips. Then he moves on. And _this_ is what Jinyoung has been craving for weeks now.

As Jaebeom’s hot breath meets the still slightly cold skin of Jinyoung’s neck, he whimpers. Out loud. Then turn his face to hide in the pillow. Jaebeom’s only response is the way his lips meet Jinyoung’s throat and press open-mouthed kisses there, apparently in no hurry what-so-ever, although reaching for Jinyoung’s hand to clasp them together once more. Jinyoung squeezes gratefully.

When Jaebeom seems satisfied with the way he’s managed to rile Jinyoung up, he moves on. Moves _down_ , Jinyoung realizes with a stutter of his hips, because Lord, this is happening. Jaebeom’s right hand is still tightly wrapped in his own, but the other one is joining Jaebeom’s sinful mouth on the journey to explore Jinyoung’s torso.

It’s so _hot_ , Jinyoung distantly thinks to himself. Both, well, in sexual terms. He is definitely hot and bothered at this point. But in literal, physical terms, Jaebeom’s body temperature is so high and damn, if it isn’t the nicest thing Jinyoung has felt in a while. He’s so _warm a_ nd cozy. And Jinyoung finds himself never wanting their skin to cease touching. He feels like Jaebeom’s body on top of him is equal to him getting wrapped in the most comfortable blanket on earth and he never wants to take it off.

His one hand is holding onto Jaebeom’s for dear life, while the other is tightly knit into the longer strands of Jaebeom’s hair. Their legs are tightly intertwined and Jinyoung almost forgets his nudity all wrapped up in his boyfriend like this. Truth be told, he still feels really vulnerable like this, and he is grateful that Jaebeom seems to know this. He is also glad that Jaebeom keeps their hips from aligning fully and hasn’t touched any part of Jinyoung below his belly button, and instead seems fully engrossed in driving Jinyoung crazy purely through the upper half of his body.

Jinyoung is grateful. He is.

He’s also very, _very_ sexually frustrated and turned on by the ministrations of his incredibly sexy boyfriend who _worships_ Jinyoung’s body more than anything else.

Needless to say, most thoughts have flown out of Jinyoung’s head by now.

“Hyuuung”, he moans, because Jaebeom chose the moment he was about to speak as the perfect one to enclose his warm, wet mouth around one of Jinyoung’s nipples. “Please.”

“Please what, Jinyoungie?” Jaebeom murmurs, hot breath still in the same spot, but eyes now meeting Jinyoung’s with a certain glint to them. “Tell me, sweetheart.”

Jinyoung whines as his hand tugs at Jaebeom’s hair in an impatient gesture. He is really hot and _really_ bothered at this point. “Move on.”

“Mmm”, Jaebeom hums against his skin, moving to envelop Jinyoung’s other nipple in his sweet, sweet mouth. “I am, see?”

Jinyoung really can’t be blamed for the way his back arches when Jaebeom’s mouth closes around the bud to gently lick at him.

“Jaebeommie, _please_ ”, he begs, body growing more restless by the second as he grabs Jaebeom’s hair again, not knowing whether he’s trying to push him away or pull him closer. “I really… _ah_ , want you to go further. Please don’t make me wait any longer.”

Letting go of Jaebeom’s hand is a necessary evil as he takes said man’s face in his hands to pull him up for another kiss. His mouth is hot, and wet, and definitely knows what it’s doing, just as Jinyoung anticipated, and right now he _really wants it elsewhere._ He’s still a bit wary, but as Jinyoung lifts his hips in search for some friction he quickly finds what he’s looking for when he meets the cotton of Jaebeom’s sweats and he doesn’t pull away.

Hooking one leg around the back of Jaebeom’s thigh to pull him even closer, Jinyoung finds himself a bit surprised at how loud Jaebeom moans when they grind together fully. Jinyoung is definitely careful, still, as the press of another hard member against his own is an almost foreign experience to him at this point, but Jaebeom’s obvious arousal and truly attractive sounds grounds him to the present situation to the point where he almost forgets he’s ever been this close to someone before, ever. Even Jaebeom. Everything feels new, and like a fresh start, and Jinyoung is so _happy_.

“Sorry”, Jaebeom pants against his mouth as Jinyoung’s leg fights to hold Jaebeom’s hips still so he can get used to them again. “Didn’t mean to, _God Jinyoung you’re killing me here_ , to, _ah_ , startle you.”

“Don’t apologize”, Jinyoung pants back, eagerly taking Jaebeom’s lip between his teeth to get another arousing sound out of his boyfriend. “You feel so good, Jaebeommie, taste so good, you’re, _oh_ , so good to me.”

Jaebeom doesn’t answer, but suddenly both his hands are holding Jinyoung’s face in between them as he presses their mouths together hotly. _Passionate_ is a word that always made Jinyoung think of his boyfriend. He is reminded of why. Jinyoung whimpers once more from the sheer force he feels his boyfriend use in his attempt to show Jinyoung just how much he feels for him.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung whispers, “hyung, I love you.”

Jaebeom lets out a keening sound before pressing their lips against one another’s once more. Jinyoung thinks that if kissing could kill you, then this is how he wishes to go.

“You’re really sure, ‘Nyoungie?” Jaebeom asks, nerves evident in the weakness of his voice, and Jinyoung realizes the responsibility his boyfriend must feel with the task he’s been given. “You really want me?”

“ _Yes_ ”, Jinyoung swears, eyes never leaving Jaebeom’s questioning ones. “I really, _really_ do. If it makes you feel any better, I’m more sure now than I was before.”

“Okay”, Jaebeom replies after a moment of searching Jinyoung’s eyes. “Okay, good. But if you’re not, Jinyoungie, then--”

“I’ll tell you and we'll fix it, yes, I promise. Please, hyung.”

Jaebeom smiles a little and Jinyoung can visibly see the tension that leaves his shoulders. He reaches up to kiss his boyfriend one final time - or four - before lightly pushing at his shoulders.

“Oh, you’re that eager, huh?” Jaebeom teases, laughter spilling out of him as Jinyoung wastes no time on getting him where he wants.

“ _Yes_ ”, Jinyoung assures him, moving Jaebeom further and further down. “I told you, you’ve really got me going, hyung.”

“Alright then”, Jaebeom smiles, and before Jinyoung knows it he’s lost the broad shoulders under his hands and can’t reach them anymore, because Jaebeom is lying somewhere down between his knees now and his crescent eyes get a _very_ good view of everything Jinyoung has to offer. 

He immediately blushes again once he realizes that, _jesus_ _christ_ , his dick is _right there_. And Jaebeom is just smiling up at him like he grabbed the last candy from Jinyoung’s reaching hand.

Jinyoung doesn’t even think before grabbing the pillow and putting it directly on top of his face.

Jaebeom barks out a laugh, and Jinyoung is grateful that he at least didn’t offend his boyfriend.

“Jinyoung-ah, I thought you were done hiding from me?”

“Nope”, Jinyoung tells him, although muffled by the pillow over his mouth. “I’m so embarrassed, leave me alone.”

“Oh, you want me to go, then?” Jaebeom questions, and Jinyoung _knows_ that he’s just teasing, but damn the thought scares the hell out of him.

“ _No!_ ” he exclaims, though still muffled, but his free hand fly down in an attempt to find any part of his boyfriend to hold onto and stop him from leaving. “Just… don’t mind me, God, just do your thing.”

Thankfully Jaebeom takes mercy on him, and finds Jinyoung’s hand with his own once more. He gently kisses it before resting their intertwined hands right by Jinyoung’s hipbone, who shivers once more.

“You’re trembling”, Jaebeom tells him, not without traces of worry. “Are you cold?”

Jinyoung shakes his head, then remembers that maybe Jaebeom can’t see that, so he speaks up as well. “Just emotional.”

Then he feels Jaebeom’s lips on his left thigh, and twitches so hard he’s almost surprised he didn’t knee his boyfriend in the face.

“You could have warned me!”

“Sorry, I didn’t realize kissing might mean my head nearly coming off.”

Jinyoung snorts, but it turns into laughter just as quickly. He removes the pillow to smile down at Jaebeom. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not”, Jaebeom tells him, eyes still on Jinyoung’s when he leans down to repeat the motion on his other thigh. Jinyoung doesn’t twitch this time, but he hasn’t stopped shaking either.

Still maintaining eye contact, Jaebeom slowly but surely moves closer and closer to where Jinyoung originally wanted him, pausing to mouth a bit at the place where Jinyoung’s thigh meets his ass. Jinyoung kind of wants to close his eyes because it feels very erotic to watch Jaebeom as he keeps going, but he also wants to keep them open to _watch Jaebeom_ as he keeps going.

“Remember?” Jaebeom asks him when he’s so far down Jinyoung barely sees the sharp bridge of his nose anymore. Jinyoung needs a moment, but then recognizes what he’s asking.

“If I change my mind I tell you and we stop”, Jinyoung repeats, “and we’ll be fine.”

“That’s my good boy”, Jaebeom’s beautiful mouth murmurs, and suddenly his eyes aren’t on Jinyoung’s anymore who instead feels Jaebeom’s shoulders push his legs upward so he can reach properly.

Jinyoung swallows through his dry throat, and thinks, _there’s no turning back now_ , before realizing that, yes, there is, and Jaebeom would help him through that, too.

He makes an effort to relax his body, and is rewarded with Jaebeom’s eyes on his once again before he feels the soft kisses Jaebeom is leaving all over the sensitive skin of his bottom.

There’s no hurry, no eagerness, no intensity. Just Jaebeom, pressing loving kisses to the skin Jinyoung has barely touched himself in half a life. He squeezes Jaebeom’s hand, _hard_ , and isn’t surprised to hear his own breathing grow unstable.

When Jaebeom squeezes back before rubbing his thumb a few times over Jinyoung’s knuckles, he hears the _i love you_ that Jaebeom doesn’t speak.

Shifting a little on his back, Jinyoung reaches with one leg to half-wrap it around Jaebeom’s wide body to tug him just a little bit closer. Jaebeom thankfully gets the hint and the hold his free hand takes on Jinyoung’s waist has just the right amount of pressure for him to feel safe in Jaebeom’s hands.

Jaebeom’s mouth moves closer to where Jinyoung wants it as his kisses grow open-mouthed and longer, and while Jinyoung tries _really hard_ not to rush into anything he can’t help but feel that he wants _more_. Jaebeom’s mouth is divine and Jinyoung is craving what he hasn’t had in actual years. He understands Jaebeom’s weariness, though, and smiles a little as he feels the care with which Jaebeom handles him.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung says, and even he can hear the arousal in his voice. “Please. You’re driving me crazy, Jaebeommie.”

Jaebeom hums against his skin before raising his head to face Jinyoung again. He rubs at Jinyoung’s hand again while smiling softly at him. Jinyoung tries his absolute hardest to smile back despite the goosebumps breaking out all over his skin in anticipation.

“I’ve been good, right? Hyung, I really want to, please, I love you. Please.”

Jinyoung doesn’t really know why he’s saying things that usually needs a lot more foreplay - or actual sex - to get him in the right mindset for, but he guesses it’s the desperation that comes with having longed for Jaebeom like this for so long and now finally being _so close_ to experiencing it.

“You’re so good, Jinyoung-ah”, Jaebeom replies fondly despite his voice being deep and husky, as he squeezes Jinyoung’s waist and leans forward to press a kiss to his hip bone. “God, you don’t know how much I love you. You’re perfect, Jinyoungie, nothing but perfect.”

Jinyoung whines loudly, and it seems to get his point across. His head is twisting from side to side and he’s just _so inloveturnedonexcitednervousdesperatehappy_ \--

When Jaebeom presses his warm, soft, wet, _perfect_ mouth to Jinyoung’s opening, the dam breaks. It’s barely a kiss, Jaebeom is really rather just pressing his mouth to the place Jinyoung practically begged him to, but it _feels so good_ it has Jinyoung’s mind spinning and the tears finally leaving their restraints.

Jaebeom presses open-mouthed kisses against his rim, again, and again, and again, and again, and it’s all Jinyoung can do not to pass out from the pure bliss. Jaebeom’s lips are so immensely soft against his sensitive skin, and his breath is so achingly encompassing and warm and soothing, and his tongue is so breathtakingly skilled that Jinyoung really, honest to God, wonders if this is what would greet him in Heaven.

“Hyung”, he breathes, mouth unable to shut as he lets all the sounds of his pleasure out to let Jaebeom know that he’s doing good - that he’s doing _God’s work_. “Hyung, hyung, _hyung_ \--”

Jaebeom squeezes again, hand and waist, and Jinyoung is so overwhelmed by the feeling of gratitude that flows through him that he cries out when the next sob hits him.

To his relief, Jaebeom doesn’t leave his seat between Jinyoung’s legs, but he does pull away immediately to check on his boyfriend.

“You okay? Jinyoungie, what is it?”

“I’m fine”, Jinyoung tries to tell him, but he does understand whatever hesitance Jaebeom might feel since he has waterfalls flowing from each eye at the moment. Jinyoung had suspected a rise in emotions and the probability of tears, but he’s crying _a lot_ and he’s not sure why because he _only feels good_. “I promise, I don’t--”

He has to take a steadying breath before he continues because Jinyoung is _not_ about to start hyperventilating because of his boyfriend eating his ass for the first time in years, _absolutely not_.

“I’m good, really, just… Just emotional”, he tries to tell Jaebeom, because fuck, he doesn’t want him to stop. That’s the _last_ thing he wants. “Please, don’t stop. I’m just… Hyung, I’m really grateful. Thank you.”

Jinyoung grabs the pillow once more to muffle his sobs into something before freaking Jaebeom out even further, and he prays that he hasn’t done enough damage for Jaebeom not to want this anymore.

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom calls a moment later, voice not wholly steady himself. “Do you promise there’s nothing bad?”

“Yes”, Jinyoung promises while vehemently nodding his head. “I’m just overwhelmed, I swear. You’re so good to me.”

He chokes the last part out before another sob tears itself out of him, and Jinyoung prays he did enough to convince Jaebeom that he truly hasn’t done anything wrong and that _nothing is wrong why is jinyoung even crying_?

“Do you want to stop?” Jaebeom asks, head resting on Jinyoung’s thigh to look him in the face. “Honestly. What do you want right now?”

Jinyoung considers. “A hug?”

It works. Jaebeom’s face twists into a chuckle, and he immediately returns to Jinyoung’s wide open arms to pull him against his own warm body, dragging the covers up along with him. Jinyoung sighs into his skin and allows the tears to rip through him while Jaebeom holds him tight and wraps him in.

After a couple of minutes, Jaebeom starts humming a melody Jinyoung doesn’t recognize, but the lightness and airiness of it has Jinyoung’s heart growing lighter, and eventually he runs out of tears. Jaebeom hums on, stroking Jinyoung’s back over the covers, and if Jinyoung wasn’t still kind of turned on he would probably have fallen asleep.

But, well. He is.

He slowly starts roaming his boyfriend’s very naked chest, relishing in the aura of intimacy that surrounds them. Not they haven’t had any in the previous months, but it _is_ different to touch skin on skin, Jinyoung thinks. Not necessarily better, but he enjoys it.

Jaebeom is still wearing his sweats, though, and right now that seems a bit unfair.But he doesn’t want to overstep or give Jaebeom the wrong idea, so it seems fit to ask before sticking his hands in places.

“Jaebeom-ah”, he says, a nickname reserved for truly special occasions. “Will you take these off?”

He wiggles his knee that’s trapped between Jaebeom’s thighs to fully get his message across (not that there were any other articles of clothing left to be taken off), while leaning slightly backwards to meet Jaebeom’s eyes again now that his own are drying up.

“Huh?” is Jaebeom’s intellectual response, and Jinyoung can see the mental slap across the face he gives himself. “You want me to?”

“Seems uncomfortable”, Jinyoung murmurs, lips landing on Jaebeom’s beautifully sculpted chin. “It’s warm, isn’t it?”

“Yeah”, Jaebeom agrees, swallowing hard. “Yeah, it is.”

Jinyoung smiles a mischievous smile before teasing the trail of hair leading down into Jaebeom’s pants with his fingers. “Can’t have that, now, can we?”

Jaebeom swallows again, looking at Jinyoung long and hard to try and read him, before muttering out an ‘okay’ and pulling the fabric down and off of his body, dumping the sweatpants on the floor somewhere.

Jinyoung will admit that his sudden courage slightly dampened when faced with a naked man this close in his proximity, but as he fixes his gaze on Jaebeom’s slightly terrified one, he throws caution to the wind and wraps himself fully - arms and legs and head - all around his boyfriend and lets out a shaky breath.

Jaebeom’s careful, _careful_ arms close around him once more as Jinyoung clings to all the parts of his boyfriend he can reach. Jaebeom is the next to exhale unsteadily, but then he turns his head to press his lips to Jinyoung’s hair and breathes him in.

No words are exchanged for a while, and it allows Jinyoung to fully settle in the embrace and process the situation.

He doesn’t want to think about the last time he was naked with another man, because it wasn’t Jaebeom and it wasn’t even anyone that Jinyoung _wanted_ anywhere near himself, and there was absolutely nothing pleasant about it that Jinyoung wishes to remember. But he does. And that’s why he’s hell-bent on making new memories that can push the unwanted ones out of his mind for a bit, even if he can’t ever erase them. What he _can_ do is not let it ruin all the years he still has, and Jinyoung knows that things might be different if he didn’t have Jaebeom, or anyone, but he _does_ , Jinyoung has the most precious being on earth in bed with him right now, willing to bend over backwards to do whatever Jinyoung might need from him, and even if Jinyoung isn’t exactly the same--

_He’s still Park Jinyoung_ , he realizes. He’s not exactly the same, but he is the person who fell in love with Jaebeom all those years ago. And Jaebeom isn’t the exact same either, Jinyoung knows, because the desperation with which he holds Jinyoung sometimes and the urgency in his voice when he doesn’t know where Jinyoung is and the way his screams have woken Jinyoung up from his sleep several times over the last months are enough evidence to assure him, Jaebeom is not the same either.

“I love you”, he says, because no matter how many times Jinyoung says it, it will never be enough to satisfy him. “Jaebeom, I love you. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you, I love you _so much_.”

“I know”, Jaebeom whispers into his hair, and now that Jinyoung is back in the present, he realizes that the pillow has grown a bit wet again and that Jaebeom’s short nails are probably leaving marks on his back from how hard he’s holding onto Jinyoung, and that Jaebeom must be crying. “I know, Jinyoungie, I know. You love me so well. Thank you.”

Jinyoung turns a bit so he can wipe away the tear stains on his boyfriend’s cheeks. “You don’t have to thank me, Jaebeommie. You don’t have to cry either. Please. It makes me so sad when you’re sad.”

Jaebeom’s laugh is a watery sound. “You have no right to tell me that.”

Jinyoung has to return it. “You’re probably right. Still. Please don’t cry.”

“Alright”, Jaebeom swallows before softly looking back at him. “You know I’ll do whatever you ask anyway.”

Jinyoung doesn’t reply, and instead catches Jaebeom’s lips in a slow kiss.

“Did I tell you you’re the best thing that ever happened to me?”

“You did.”

“Well, you are.”

Jaebeom grins. “And I didn’t even get to make you come.”

Jinyoung splutters as he swats at Jaebeom’s finely chiseled chest. Jaebeom only laughs before grabbing his hands.

“Really, though, Jinyoungie”, he says, voice full of wonder, as he briefly lifts his leg to fully get his point across, “look at you. Lying with me like this. I’m so proud of you.”

The heart-felt words make something warm bloom in Jinyoung’s chest, and there’s a smile stretching over his lips that he can’t fight. “Yeah?”

“Yeah”, Jaebeom softly replies. “Do I really have to spell it out for you for you to realize that nothing makes me as happy as you do, Jinyoung-ah?”

“It doesn’t hurt”, Jinyoung squeaks as he tries to hide his warm cheeks. Jaebeom laughs as he pulls him for another tight embrace.

When Jinyoung feels the heat in his face go down, though, he very quickly becomes acutely aware of heats in _other places_. Like for example, where his crotch is nestled into the planes of Jaebeom’s stomach, and Jaebeom’s thick thigh is in between his own legs, and Jaebeom’s breath on his neck is not exactly giving him any _pure thoughts_.

He shifts carefully, just the drag of his thigh a bit higher on Jaebeom’s hip, but it’s enough to hitch his breathing and he is 100% positive that his boyfriend has noticed.

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom’s husky voice comes not a second later, and Jinyoung feels the goosebumps break out all over his arms. “What are you up to?”

“Nothing, hyung”, he whispers, but the way his hips shift restlessly and his open mouth tastes the salty skin of Jaebeom’s throat is proof of the very opposite.

Jaebeom’s hands suddenly splay out over Jinyoung’s naked skin, one low on his back and the other tight on his waist, and Jinyoung really couldn’t keep the moan in even if he tried. Not when Jaebeom does things to his body that Jinyoung honestly had forgotten it could feel.

“I don’t think you’re being truthful, Jinyoung-ah”, Jaebeom murmurs in his ear while digging his fingers deeper into Jinyoung’s skin. “Tell hyung what you’re planning.”

Jinyoung _moans_ and he would be damn embarrassed about it too if Jaebeom wasn't pushing all the right buttons right now, and Jinyoung really can’t find it in himself to care enough to be embarrassed anymore.

“Wanna get off”, he whispers instead, mouth turning away slightly to make sure Jaebeom’s catches it. He makes sure to hook his foot around Jaebeom’s thigh for good measure. “You’ve done everything for me except make me come, hyung. Please, will you help me?”

“You’re gonna have to be clearer about it, Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom tells him, but his hand travels further down Jinyoung’s backside so he definitely seems to be on track. “Hmm? What do you need from hyung?”

Jinyoung feels himself falling further and further into that warm and nice headspace where he would trust Jaebeom with absolutely anything, and he clings to his boyfriend even harder. Maybe it’s because they’re both naked, or because Jinyoung’s heart has been eased significantly, or maybe it’s simply because Jaebeom handles him so well that Jinyoung’s body responds automatically and his mind has no choice but to turn off.

Whatever it is, Jinyoung feels lighter than he has in a long time, and it’s such a relief to just melt into Jaebeom and be _taken_ _care_ _of_. 

“‘Feel so good like this, hyung”, he tells Jaebeom, because he does, and he never wants to leave this bed - or embrace - ever again. “Want you to take care of me. Wanna make you happy.”

“You already do, ‘Nyoungie”, he hears Jaebeom confide in him, the arm around him pulling him in to squeeze for a second. “‘Course I’ll take care of you. Do you want to stay and get off just like this?”

Jinyoung nods, lips not fully forming all the words he wants to say, so he snuggles further into the skin where Jaebeom’s neck and shoulder meets.

“Alright, baby”, there’s some shuffling as Jaebeom reaches behind himself for a moment, God knows why, but then he’s cradling Jinyoung to his own body once more. “Do you want me to touch you then?”

Jinyoung nods again, hips coming forward to grind slightly against Jaebeom’s perfect skin. He feels the groan in Jaebeom’s throat before he hears it.

“Angel, you have to tell me what’s okay, though, yeah? I can’t be sure unless you tell me. Just nodding or shaking your head is fine.”

“Okay”, Jinyoung mumbles, heart almost bursting with how good Jaebeom’s treatment is making him feel. “‘Promise.”

“Good boy”, Jaebeom praises, taking a moment to kiss Jinyoung’s hair again. “Do you want to hear my suggestion?”

Jinyoung nods, since not thinking too hard is exactly what he wants for the time being.

“Alright, sweetheart. How do you feel about staying just like this, wrapped up in each other, and hyung will let you grind it out and help you if you want it? How does that sound?”

The moan that escapes him could be answer enough, but Jinyoung doesn’t stop there and at the apparent green light, he starts to shift his hips against Jaebeom’s warm skin before replying.

“Sounds perfect, hyung”, he murmurs, and hides his face in Jaebeom’s beautiful hair as his hips work their way into a suitable rhythm, Jaebeom’s hands still holding onto him.

Jinyoung has no clue when the last time was that he got off this way, grinding up and down his willing boyfriend like a desperate teenager. Probably when they _were_ desperate teenagers, discovering sex and all other things nice together, or some years later in a drunken late night session when they got home after some party or other.

He can’t really remember, and finds that it doesn’t really matter, either, because this moment is the only one he wants to be in, with Jaebeom’s perfect hands on him and his perfect skin under Jinyoung’s and his perfect lips on every inch of Jinyoung’s face he can reach, and his perfect, perfect mind that seems to know exactly what Jinyoung wants.

“You’re so good, baby”, Jaebeom’s telling him between kisses, and Jinyoung wishes this would last forever. “‘Wish you could see yourself the way I do, Jinyoung-ah, how precious you really are.”

The hitch in Jinyoung’s throat chokes him up a bit, and the sweet words Jaebeom shares with him along with the building pressure in his lower stomach is enough to have Jinyoung moan out loud and tighten his grip around his boyfriend so he can have more leverage to move his hips. 

“That’s it, angel”, Jaebeom murmurs close to his ear, and Jinyoung’s head spins at the praise. “Look at you, so good for hyung, aren’t you?”

“Yes”, Jinyoung whines, unable to take it anymore as he desperately turns his head and searches for Jaebeom’s lips to show him how much he appreciates what Jaebeom is doing for him. “Yes, yes, yes, wanna be good for hyung.”

“And you are, baby”, Jaebeom reassures him before pressing their lips together. The kiss is open-mouthed as Jinyoung pants from how close he’s getting, their messy kissing only speeding up the process. “The best, Jinyoungie, you’re the best.”

An almost pathetic whine leaves Jinyoung’s mouth at that, and he presses their foreheads together to moan properly as the edge is rapidly coming closer with every twist of his hips.

“Hyung”, he breathes, “Jaebeommie, I’m…”

“Are you gonna come for hyung, Jinyoungie? Is that it?”

Jinyoung moans, _loudly_ , because yes, that most certainly is it.

Jaebeom’s hand comes up to cradle his face, and Jinyoung immediately leans into it, panting into Jaebeom’s waiting palm as he feels his body start to seize up.

“You’re so perfect”, Jaebeom whispers, unable to tear his eyes away and thumb drawing patterns on Jinyoung’s puffy cheek as his end nears. “So beautiful, Jinyoung-ah. So perfect. I love you.”

Jinyoung comes so hard his entire body locks up and he feels his vision whiten out as the world falls away. The ecstasy flowing through his body has Jinyoung’s mouth hanging wide open as he gasps for air, nails digging into Jaebeom’s shoulders and he falls apart in his arms.

He doesn’t even know if he screams or not.

After riding it out in the mess he makes on Jaebeom’s willing stomach, every muscle in Jinyoung’s body fails him. It’s a good thing Jaebeom is expecting it, and holds his boyfriend as he trembles, remembering to breathe enough of a struggle for Jinyoung at the moment.

“You did so good”, Jaebeom tells him, the praises still coming, and Jinyoung should have expected Jaebeom to help ground him even in this part. “You were perfect, baby. You have no idea how proud I am. God, I love you, Jinyoung.”

The most underrated part of sex, Jinyoung thinks, is afterwards. When Jaebeom pulls the covers on top of them because he knows Jinyoung grows ice cold after an orgasm, and when he holds him steady because Jinyoung often trembles _worse_ afterwards, and when he patiently lets Jinyoung return to himself after falling apart in those same arms.

“Hyung”, Jinyoung mumbles when he starts coming to again. “Hyung, it’s your turn.”

Jaebeom freezes up completely, like he can’t believe his ears.

“ _What?_ ”

Jinyoung pulls back to blink at him through bleary eyes, and the shock on Jaebeom’s face is real, he realizes. He was not expecting that reply at _all_. Which makes Jinyoung want it even more.

“It’s _your_ turn”, Jinyoung repeats with a small smile. “Don’t tell me you’re not aching to get off, too?”

“No, I--”, Jaebeom cuts himself off as his cheeks start to redden, and all Jinyoung can think is that he hasn’t seen anything this adorable in a long time. “I mean, _I am_ , but…”

“But…?”

“But this was supposed to be about you!” Jaebeom bursts out, still adorably red-faced and looking anywhere but at Jinyoung’s eyes.

Who can’t help the giggle that escapes him. When Jaebeom does look at him, Jinyoung tugs the covers up to his nose to cover his laughter, but he can see Jaebeom visibly deflate a bit at Jinyoung’s ease.

“Yah”, he says, pressing his finger into Jinyoung’s forehead briefly. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“I just wanna see you, too, hyung”, Jinyoung innocently replies. “It’s _my_ request, so you can think of it as being about me, anyway, if you’d like.”

“You…”, Jaebeom stammers before searching Jinyoung’s eyes. “Really? That won’t make you uncomfortable?”

Jinyoung shakes his head, still looking back at Jaebeom with wide eyes.

“Are you sure? ‘Cause I can just go to the bathroom, Jinyoungie, it’s fine, I swear--”

“No, _hyung_ ”, Jinyoung interrupts, wanting to make his standpoint clear so Jaebeom understands. “It would _delight_ me to watch you get off. I swear. I don’t think I’m--”

He cuts himself off and presses his eyes together before continuing.

“I don’t think I’m quite there yet to do anything about it myself, but--”

“Park Jinyoung”, Jaebeom firmly interrupts _him_ this time, tugging the covers down to tilt Jinyoung’s face upwards with his index finger. “I would _never_ ask that of you. _Ever_. Don't think for one second that you have to do anything at all for _my_ sake. Absolutely not.”

Jinyoung nods in understanding as much as he can with Jaebeom’s grip on his chin.

“Okay”, he replies, still wanting to get his point through. “I get it. I do think that I will want to in the future though, for _my own sake_ , but not right now. I’m being completely honest with you, hyung. And even if _I_ am not quite there yet, I know that I would very much like to watch _you_ touch _yourself_ , because I really can’t imagine anything hotter than that. But if you don’t want to, I understand.”

“Jinyoung-ah”, Jaebeom sounds pained as he knits his eyebrows together. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

Jinyoung stays quiet, because he’s not sure what the right thing to say is to nudge Jaebeom in the direction he would like. When Jaebeom opens his eyes again, though, Jinyoung’s stomach turns with excitement.

“You’re sure about this?” he asks, and Jinyoung eagerly nods. He is.

Jaebeom looks at him a moment longer before reaching down, and Jinyoung blushes _forcefully_ when his eyes follow the movement only to fall on the mess he’s made all over Jaebeom. Who on the other hand doesn’t seem half as embarrassed now that he’s got a hand around himself to focus his attention on.

Jinyoung’s mouth goes dry as he watches Jaebeom tug at himself with expert fingers, clearly wet enough from pre-come and the parts of Jinyoung that landed close enough to make the slide easy. Jinyoung can’t decide whether to hide himself in the covers or kick them off because it’s _getting real hot again_.

Jaebeom’s sudden moan has him tearing his eyes away to find his boyfriend’s face instead, and the pleasure he finds in Jaebeom’s face has Jinyoung’s blood flushing hotly through him once more. Why is his boyfriend _so damn sexy_?

In the midst of his staring contest with Jaebeom’s panting mouth, he hears his name and finds Jaebeom’s dark eyes looking straight at him. The sight sends a rush to his stomach. “Jinyoung-ah.”

“Yes, hyung?”

“Just wanted… _ah, fuck_ , to say your name.”

And _that_ sure has Jinyoung blushing furiously if he wasn’t already.

“Say it, then, hyung”, he hears his own voice reply, as his eyes return downwards to find Jaebeom’s hand desperately tugging to chase his release. “I’m here.”

“Jinyoungie”, Jaebeom repeats, and Jinyoung feels the way Jaebeom’s gaze stays with him. He looks back up only to confirm it. Jaebeom is staring at him like he’s afraid Jinyoung will disappear if he blinks. “Jinyoungie, please.”

Jinyoung doesn’t know what exactly he’s asking for, but rushes to action anyway.

“Jaebeommie”, he says, “that’s it. You’re doing just what I asked for, hyung. Thank you.”

Jaebeom groans and out of the corner of his eye, Jinyoung catches the way his hips start to stutter.

“You’re almost there, Jaebeom-ah”, he praises, voice sugar-sweet, as he moves close enough to Jaebeom’s face that he could reach out and kiss him if he wanted to. “So close, aren’t you? Are you gonna come for me, hyungie?”

The answer to that question, apparently, was _yes_.

Jaebeom barely has time to whisper a final “Jinyoungie” before his pace changes as he tugs himself through the first orgasm he hasn’t spent alone in almost two years.

When he opens his eyes again and drags a half-clean hand through his sweaty hair, he finds Jinyoung looking at him with fond eyes.

“Thank you, Jaebeommie”, he says, a teasing smile playing at his lips.

Jaebeom huffs a laugh. “Shouldn’t I be the one thanking you?”

Jinyoung giggles cutely in return before replying.

“I meant in general, hyung. I’ll never forget this morning.”

“Me neither”, Jaebeom assures him, looking at his boyfriend with soft eyes. “It meant so much to me, Jinyoungie, I’m not sure that you know how much.”

Jinyoung leans in, then, and kisses the love of his life until he has to breathe again.

They look at each other for a few moments, basking in the after-glory of how much closer the morning has brought them, before Jinyoung’s stomach breaks the silence with a loud rumbling sound.

Jaebeom’s booming laugh rings out before Jinyoung is getting tugged into his boyfriend’s neck with all the fondness a person can muster, and finalized by the kiss on the top of his head, Jinyoung is certain that no person has ever been loved as well as Im Jaebeom loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! x


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